Lifelong Stress and Impacts of Divorce on Children

My father was a pastor. In the Christian marriage ceremonies he performed, people recited versions of the same traditional vows:

I take this man/woman

to have and to hold,

for better or for worse,

for richer or for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death do us part.

Divorce, however, changed my family forever when I was a child. My father and mother divorced when I was four years old. She moved into a small apartment across town. My sisters (twins aged 5) and I were to begin spending half of each week, literally 3 ½ days at each of their houses. My day to day world was very different as my stay at home mom went to work. As for my father, he had begun dating already, and about a year later, he remarried. My new stepmother came with two boys of her own from a previous marriage. With new rules and ideas about what we should do, my new stepmother was seen as an intruder. She practiced what she called “tough love”, at a time I had no interest in another mother. Two years later my mother remarried as well. My new stepfather had no previous children, but also no experience with children. He had views about punishment that were more harsh than my mother’s kind words. We were asked to trust these new adults at a time when developmentally we were not realistic. As Erikson notes, whatever the child is becomes good, and the other is bad, without the understanding of the intricacies between (Berger, 2016). So in my young mind mom, dad, and my sisters were good; stepbrothers and stepparents were bad. Adjusting to new stepparents is no small task for a child and this new permanence took a while to understand.

These changes in life brought on a series of stressors. Children develop a sense of identity as a part of a family. With infidelity, divorce, and remarriage, the trust a child depends on is broken, parent’s responsiveness changes, and routines that are so essential in early childhood are gone. In addition, changing households every few days means changing expectations, forgotten homework, clothes left at the wrong place, and distracted parents. For my new step brothers, they visited their father every other weekend, so they were adjusting to a different schedule and brought their own stresses into the house. Anger and acting out was a way to process, and then isolation as one of these new family members brought sexual violence to our family. Two years of abuse by my oldest sibling changed my life forever.

Coping with divorce and violence permanently alters a child’s brain. Berlin (2004) found in his research that being raised in a two parent household, with both biological parents, is most beneficial for students future academic success, behavior, and overall health. He notes that second marriages are problematic for children, as is hostile marriages that stay together (Berlin, 2004). In my situation, counseling was not beneficial, as a child is not always believed or trusted. I learned to function in a new reality with my mother’s help but these changes forever altered my identity. In my own marriage, it has taken work to trust a man, both in the realm of infidelity and sexual safety. Survival has been a matter of self-protection, a guarded personality, and vigilance watching for unsafe situations. As a parent, the notion Berger (2016) referred to as “Ghosts in the Nursery” rings true as I am probably irrationally careful with the interactions between my two children and kids of the opposite gender. The ramifications have only become clear years later now that my daughter is the same age as I was at the time of the abuse. Seeing the world through her innocent eyes stirs all those memories, and as a parent, I may have been almost paranoid in protecting her at times.

Looking across the world to India, the majority of the country is not Christian, but instead celebrates Hindu or Muslim marriage. Muslim families in Indian are typically patriarchal, and unlike our 50 percent divorce rate in the United States (Berlin, 2004), in India the divorce rate is less than 1 in 1,000 marriages (Biswas, 2016). There is a stigma to divorce and that prevents many women from remarrying, and people generally do not live together outside of marriage. In the Hindu culture in India, marriage is considered essential (Sharma, et al, 2013). Typically the marriage is between families not just two people, continues to be arranged by the parents, and for the purpose of starting a family. Having children is also an important part of the Hindu religion, and a necessary step for reaching Nirvana (Sharma, et al, 2013). Divorce then, with its lengthy and patriarchal biases is not seen as an option for many. For Hindu and Muslim families, the impact can be found in the form of female depression and domestic violence (Sharma, et al, 2013). Neither is a guarantee, but because of the religious customs and a culture that frowns on divorce, women tend to stay married despite these challenges. For children in troubled households, stepparents and stepbrothers are not part of the equation, although that fact alone is not enough to keep sexual violence from happening. The stressors instead come from parental disagreement, gender roles, and the way a child’s identity is shaped by their religious practices and extended family living in the house. In a of school children in India, Deb and Walsh (2012) found that “boys were more often victims of physical and psychological violence, while girls were more often victims of sexual violence”. These researchers went on to find social and academic adjustment problems with the children who had been victims. This research is consistent then with Berger’s (2016) description of toxic stress having a negative impact on brain development resulting in social and academic problems in children.

As educators, I feel we must be aware of the stressors divorce introduces into our students lives. Part of our job is to get to know our students and their family situation so can ably support them while at the same time be empathetic when they lose assignments, come to school tired, and act out. In conversations with students, it is imperative we are clear about warning signs of abuse, that we believe our students, and that we are prepared to adequately deal with those situations. We must also understand the varying cultures our students bring to the classroom, and how those cultural backgrounds shape their family dynamics. Being a teacher is about so much more than academics, and being aware of the needs of our students is one of the best ways to truly influence their lives.

References:

Berger, K. S. (2016). The developing person through childhood (7th ed.). New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

Berlin, G. (2004). The effects of marriage and divorce on families and children. Presented before the science, technology, and space subcommittee of the committee on commerce, science, and transportation, United States Senate. Retrieved from www.mdrc.org/publication/effects-marriage-and-divorce-families-and-children.

Biswas, S. (2016, September 29). What divorce and separation tell us about modern India. Retrieved from www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-37481054

Deb, S., Walsh, K. (2012). Impact of physical, psychological, and sexual violence on social adjustment of school children in India. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0143034311425225.

Sharma, I., Pandit, B., Pathal, A., Sharma, R. (2013, January). India Journal of Psychiatry: Hinduism, marriage, and mental illness. Retrieved from http://www.indianjpsychiatry.org/text.asp?2013/55/6/243/105544.